January 23rd, 2017.
Thoughts as I sit in the hospital.
Today was supposed to be Lewis’ original 40 week due date. The time where I was supposed to feel contractions, my water was supposed to break, I was supposed to run to the hospital, I was supposed to deliver my baby the “v” way, have a professional photographer present, have the baby put to my chest immediately after and be able to nurse right off the bat while crying tears of joy!
Life is not always what we plan.
Instead, I went to my 34 week check up, immediately got admitted to labor and delivery next door, received steroid shots, prepped for surgery, delivered via c-section, didn’t know what my baby looked like until my husband came and showed me a video on his phone, didn’t get to actually see my baby boy or touch his hand until an hour later, didn’t get to hold him until a day later, didn’t get to nurse him until a couple weeks later but yet in the midst of it all I did cry tears of joy… and tears of pain.
I never had the ideal birthing experience with Emilie or Lewis… and I’m beginning to realize that I may never get to experience them in this life. And to be honest, it hurts… a lot. I have a lot of things to work through emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically before I can accept that even though my body may have failed in certain areas that I am not a failure.
It will take time to accept that Lewis came early. But this I know, he is a beautiful baby boy straight from heaven and I love him so very much.